People kill people. Guns don’t.

True. Packed with harmless powder lying lazily behind cold metal, they are just a little device of hammers and springs that doesn’t do any harm left to itself. Sold in swanky showrooms where they are laid out enticingly under the glare of piercing lights that reflect off their polished bodies, they are just as innocuous as your shiny figurine of the Spider man. Yep, they are slick, super sexy toys. Big men love them. Kids love them too. They are cool to have. So what if seventeen high school kids get slaughtered in cold blood, once again, in an unsuspecting neighborhood of Florida? You can’t blame a gun for that.

You know what? It isn’t even the issue here. It’s the kid whose mind we need to understand. The 19-year ex-student who was expelled earlier because of disciplinary reasons. Who then took out his semi-automatic rifle (or his dad’s, or uncle’s, or friend’s, or an acquaintance’s or a friend’s father’s; do we really care? Because it’s everywhere!) and an ‘unlimited supply’ of magazines, and had his practice with live, running, screaming targets — these were students enjoying the lazy afternoon, surfing, texting and talking — more nonchalantly than my nine-year old kid does with his Terminator-like Nerf shooter.

(As I watched the amateur video showing shocked students cursing under their breath, lying on the floor and cowering behind desks as heart-shredding shots blast out in quick succession, I wondered if I would have used some discretion while indulging in even a pillow-fight.)

But then, big deal? He was just disturbed. But everyone in America isn’t, are they? Therefore, we need to understand his state of mind leading up to the carnage. He had disturbing social media posts. Alas! We failed to catch that on time. Now all we need is analyze such posts to extrapolate what is coming. It’s so simple; after all we are a country of brilliant people. We just need more artificial intelligence stuff. More data crunching, machine learning, deep learning and the like. Little more scouring the Internet to weed out these bad apples from other innocent apples; pretty, God-fearing, fun-loving apples who also have a gun but don’t shoot people so indiscriminately!

This is America. The land of freedom and choices. Of individual rights. We understand “Human Rights” like no one else (most third-world buggers don’t understand it, so we keep teaching them a lesson or two whenever we find free time). And how do we guarantee our citizen’s fundamental right to life and safety? You guessed right. Guns. Yes. We make and sell all kinds of them to protect the rights of all sizes.

You see, we have no choice. We need to protect our loved ones, from err…more guns!

Someone said it’s the saddest day for humanity. You bet. Oh my God, a school again! I tell you, they are so vulnerable, such soft targets. But enough is enough. We won’t take it lying down anymore. Our schools, our kids won’t take it lying down anymore. We pledge that we, the original believers of gun-peace, won’t shiver at a corner and be a mute spectator to this terrible violence unleashed upon us. We will fight, retaliate, for they don’t understand any other language. We will arm the schools. We will arm the teachers and have armed security guards outside. We will even rush tanks (we did it this time!) to the incident at moment’s notice. We will leave no stone unturned, no gun unused.

Because our best shot at keeping our citizens safe is to have more of the things that kill them. After all, there is safety in numbers!

Long live America.

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