People are mean. They pass judgement too quickly. Quicker than the time it took Salman to get down from the vehicle from the driver’s side and stand on the other side like a little innocent child who failed to sharpen pencil properly in the class. But, I guess there still might be enough reasons to believe what he is saying.

1. It’s the jam sir: Salman says he was sitting on the passenger side and the door got jammed after the accident. So he had no option but to alight from the driver side. We totally understand because people saw Salman drinking highly purified water melon juice in the party, and leaving the party with nothing but bread-jam. While eating inside the car, some jam must have fallen into the door hinge “jamming” it completely. Let me tell you, it was a really bad “jam”, not the plain vanilla type (may be mixed fruit or something!)

2. The Kumbh Mela Syndrome: You see the driver Ashok Singh is devout. Both for the God and the Khan family (of course!). He never fails to pay a visit to the Kumbh Mela whenever that happens. However, there is a minor problem. His close association with the mela has gotten him the “Kumbh Mela Syndrome”, defined as the “deliberate obsessive compulsive disorder to create disorder after a gap of 12 years”. What else can justify his staying silent for all these years (despite merrily ramming the SUV) while Khansaheb was getting in and out of court in faded jeans for a crime he didn’t do?

3. Bad Producers are to blame. Directors too: The Land Cruiser might look like a tank, but it runs on tyres originally made for Avon cycles. The Company’s CEO says it has been done to keep the vehicle very “Indian” and “Grounded”. Fair enough, but my cycle tyres have lasted me 6 years now. Well it’s actually a maintenance issue, blame for which directly goes to the producers.

Sallu bhai bought the SUV after giving runway hits like Biwi No. 1, Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam and Hum Saath Saath Hain, movies that clung to movie screens like Salman once did to Aishwarya. But (sob, sob!), between 2000 and 2002, Chal Mere Bhai, Kahin Pyar Na Ho Jaaye, Tumko Na Bhool Payenge and Yeh Hai Jalwa happened. Deprived of regular maintenance and timely patchwork, the tyre burst even though it only crushed the soft bones of just a few emaciated souls. Sallu bhai’s fault? Nah!

4. Isn’t low blood supply illegal? Unless you are as innocent as the judge who did the pronouncement, you should know that the sophisticated SUV is future ready, fitted with engines that can survive equally well with both spicy Indian food and the boring American breads when run out of fuel. Fuel it ran out of, I am sure, for reasons mentioned above. When the beast saw our dear Sallu devouring the bread so mercilessly sitting on the passenger side, all it could think of is a bakery where it can fill itself for the next 60 kilometers. Why else you think it ran into the stairs of  a bakery, and not some beauty parlour or watch repair shop?

It’s only unfortunate that the sophisticated sensors on the SUV supposed to detect human beings from their quality and quantity of blood failed to see the men sleeping. The level of blood in their veins was less than the percentage of alcohol Sallu bhai usually has in his blood on other days  (He didn’t drink any that day, remember?). Should the government allow such people to even walk on the road, let alone sleep comfortably?

5. Too many wheels: The drive says he was behind the wheel. The constable Patil said Sallu was behind the wheel. People saw some men under the wheel. Sallu says in a Hum-Apke-Hain-Kaun-ish affectation, “Which wheel, what wheel?”. Wheel people say they were completely unconnected with the crime, except for may be having washed Sallu’s shirt once (which he didn’t use subsequently) when he was in school.

With so many wheels wheeling around, it’s only natural that the police got totally confused about who was under, above and behind the wheels.

Otherwise, why would a busy actor who doesn’t have time to even put on a shirt waste his valuable time driving the car when he can shoot a few roadside black dogs (or bucks!).

Long live India’s justice system. It’s actually a “Hit and Miss” system. They miss when you hit, and they hit when you miss. They hit you harder when you mess with your miss!

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